How a marriage becomes a source of stress?
September 24, 2009 by Heart , Category: Relationships
A marriage can be our greatest source of happiness, but somehow, it can also be our greatest source of stress in live.
In the psychological concept, a marriage is described as “two personalities to become one”. Two different people with different thoughts, desires, back grounds and expectations decide to unite in living together. This is of course potentially leading to a stress, as told by Rachel and Tom, a newly 1 year weds.
Rachel: I think that after I get married, I will have a brand new happy live as in those fairy tales ever told. I expect to be free from my “night hour” determined by my Dad, I can arrange my own house interior as I wish, I can my own menu for dinner, I can freely have my dearest cat, and atc. The shocking thing is that I indeed find many things beyond my expectations about my husband behavior. He always put his shoes and socks wherever he wants, he snorks so loud that I can hardly sleep every night, he does not want to eat healthy vegetable and always want meat from time to time.
Tom: I thought that Rachel is a gentle and passionate woman, but after I got married I didn’t find these sides of her from Rachel. There are things that I just find out after we live together. She is so talkactive that everything I do is always wrong in her opinion. She is even too jealous that I feel to trapped in my own marriage.
According to Whiteman, Verghese and Petersen (1996), there are some things that must be understood by a couple of husband and wife in order to build a good communication in their marriage. Anyhow, from where the stress can appear?
Different background
A wife who is educated by her parents to throw away the garbage or put certain items on its place will be distracted to see if her husband loves to put everthing almost everywhere.A husband who has a mother, who stays at home and cook for the family, might as well expect his wife as what his mother does. On the other hand, his wife might want to have a career as her mother does.
The husband prefers to watch movies about wars, while the wife prefers to have opera shops in TV. The wife often gives a little snap to the children to discipline them, while the Husband feels that it is beter to give the children examples and advices.
Such different back grounds are the things that can raise a conflict between couples. They need to sort these things out and try to comprise so that a good communication and understanding can be built.
Different living style and characters
The husband might love to snork, while the wife sneezes so loud. There are times when every body simply has their own bad or even disqusting behavior. They can be so contradict to one another that one might be introvert, while the other is extrovert, or one prefers take the things for granted, while the other loves criticizing.Such differences are not impossible to overcome, but it might lead to a stress. Further more, the gender differences is another issue as a husband and a wife must’ve been raised as a man and a woman in their whole lives.
The couples need to understand the style and characters of their couple and try their best to accept it. Any effort to change the character of their couple might cause a resistance and it will certainly worsen the stress in their marriage.
Different expectation and dream
What would happen if the wife dreams to stay in a small house with a large back yard, while the husband wants to buy an apartment in the city center? How if the husband dreams to be a famous painter, while the wife wants her husband to have steady career in a company? Or how if one want to go to the remote of Irian for vacation, while the other wants to go to Europe?We have so much of mental and emotional energies within our hopes and we must be able to adjust them in our relationships. We must find a win win solution on the different expectations. Otherwise, a conflict will become a serious issue.
Disappointment
When we get married and later on we find that our couple is changed, it can either be a happy thing or disapponting thing.Before getting married, our couple might only show their positives sides, but soon after the party is over, they are back to their natural characters. All of these can cause disappointment to the couples.
When a couple is getting older, many husband and wife are not satisfied to their couple condition as their hair might turn grey, their bodies are getting fatter and fragile and etc. There are times when our thoughts are so influenced by the culture which adores the youth and perfect performance. It is indeed making the marriage even worse.
Fighting over the Power
Even though it is already determined that a husband is the head of family, fighting over the power in a family sometimes happens. For example, a wide often tries to influence the husband’s decision, or vice versa.This issue is not always a bad thing if the couple can communicate these differences in a fair way and not causing a feeling of being defeated into a couple. The best thing is not to eliminate the conflicts, but rather to manage the conflict in a good and wise way.
A worry feeling to lose a couple
When divorce is getting more common recently, people become more and more afraid that their couple might leave them. For example, a wife gets so worried if her husband is no longer wanting and loving her. It can make the husband even tries to make a distant from the wife and the wife gets panic and desperate.All of these are parts of the stress that generally appear from the inside. It can be not in the form of regular fighting, but it will certainly distract the feeling of the couples in a marriage. To deal with these interpersonal stress aspects, the couple must continuously try their best for an open and effective communication.
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